Black Peter And The Heebie Jeebies

Blogs are like relatives. It's awkward when you first return but once you're back you always seem to be wonderin': "why so long?"

My beloved Pistons, the only likable team in the Detroit Area has fallen from the Eastern Elite. Note: I use "likable" instead of "lovable" because the Detroit Lions are right now, in the Economically depressed state of Michigan, the most lovable team I have ever encountered. People everywhere are rising up in ironic support of their ineptitude. Just today I was walking past a barber shop and caught sight of three signed photographs in the window. They were of Matt Millen, Rod Marinelli, and Mike Martz. I laughed out loud, my guffaws echoing through the air. I didn't realize that people inside the store were watching me. I looked inside and they were laughing with me. Also, I've been to a bar every day I've been here. They've been varying places--high end, low end, friend's basement--but one thing has united one. In every bar people are discussing Calvin Johnson's potential. Eminem might be coming back but this is culture right now.

Onward to Basketball, the sport I've been ignoring for football over the past three weeks. Sorry, it's just been a slate of far too good games.

I've caught a lot of Pistons since I've been back. I caught the second half of tough loses versus Utah and Atlanta (where we benched AI in the fourth no less). It is disheartening to say bvut the soul of this team left town with Chauncey Billups. Now, there is no way in hell Chauncey would be this effective in the D. My professor said he was smoking too much but aftern the cathartic experience of going home for Christmas I can understand how returning to his hometown of Denver as the favorite son, the homecoming conqueror, would rejuvenate a man's game. Throw in the ineptitude of Coach George, the hot and coldness of 'Melo, and you have a man with free reign over his destiny. It's great to see Chauncey mingle among the league's elite once again. He's a streaky player but I trust it'll last through the season and a first round victory. That deserves a parade in my book.

The downside of Chauncey's trade to Denver has been the disshevelment of the once Super Duper Pistons. Allen Iverson has yet to find a groove with the team and for the first time since his rookie year he's picking up some doubters. This landed him on the bench during crunch time. Hopefully it spurs a FUCK YOU rennaissance. The biggest effect of Chauncey's departure has been the lack of a late game closer. We're grooming Stuckey for the role and he's proven to be more than up to the task. Already I'd say he's a rich man's Ben Gordon but he's got a long way to go before carrying the Pistons through late game stretches is a routine reality. He poured 40 on Chicago tonight, inspiring the masses, but late game histronics will continue to be a dystopic mess. Run Rip off a screen, try to get AI to the line, or let Stuckey go all twirl a whirl through the D. Letting these players do what they do is fine and good but it's a sorely missed step behind the precision late game execution honed to a religious ritual by one Mr. Big Shot.


Thoughts on the East.
Sometime in the future we might have to pick sides of Cleveland versus Boston for control of the East. I'll hate the Cavs until they switch back to the old unis to honor Larry Nance and Daugherty and will never ever cheer for a Boston team. Pressed for an opinion, I'd rather pull out my eyebrows.
Orlando could be the knight in shining armor that lifts the season to the next level. A second round series between the Magic and Cavs seems like an inevitability. The Cavs may have dominated Autumn through intensity but no amount of hustle can quell Dwight's muscle. (Look at me! I made a poem)
The Atlanta Hawks have silly silly home games. Watching on television it seems like a depressing night club, trying way too hard to distract from its sparse crowds.

As Always...

Bryan is right. My enthusiasm towards Sports has waned to levels unseen since my 8th grade spring when I got way into Slipknot and bored by the inevitable Lakers-Pacers Finals. Even then, Rik Smits was a silver lining. 

Aside from the enthusiasm injected by an Obama Presidency, each of the three major Sports is boondoggled with problems. The game isn't the problem but the mass media abuses its power of infinite resources to turn everything into a shit show. My favorite salve for boredom, as it has been since literacy, is reading about sports but outside of the FreeDarko, Sports Illustrated, True Hoop, Deadspin, and KissingSuzyKolber Canon the way Sports are being covered is not conducive to fandom. Reading Bryan's post I was refreshed because I could tell that it was written by a fan. He inspired me to watch basketball or even the terrible sport of the NFL. I haven't watched a game start to finish in 3 weeks (even the NFL!). 

I feel bad and ashamed of liking Sports so much when they are in the doldrums like this but this shame stems not from the contents but the idiotic way in which they are covered. Charles Barkley and Michael Jordan appealed to me as a six year old, rousing my interest in Sports that consumes to this very day;. The 1992-93 season was pitted as an epic  battle. Even with my beloved Pistons getting over the hill and kind of pathetic by association, Barkley and Jordan represented a duel of epic proportions. Like Lions versus Christians except the Christians won in the end. Barkley set the archetype for loose cannon, fun loving athletes. He was lazy, blunt, but utterly charming. More than a basketball player, he was a cartoon villain. My mom bought me a T-Shirt for "Barkley-O's Cereal" promising to "wreck havoc in every box". It only seemed right when he played Godzilla in a television commercial. On the other hand, Jordan was Bugs Bunny (and this was even before Space Jam). Young Jordan was a marvel to watch both on and off the court. Michael Jordan's Playground, Michael Jordan: Come Fly With Me were chalky, shoddily made videos that made me love him as a cherubic sky walker. Then I started watching him out wile, outsmart, utterly outdo opponents in every facet of the game and began to hate him. More than Magic versus Bird, this was a battle, fuck the eighties and their black versus white racial overtones as overarching narratives. This was Saturday Morning Cartoons and Gladiators rolled into one. I suppose it helped that jordan was a Saturday Morning Cartoon. 

The players dictated the myths around them. 

I learned about LeBron James when he was 15. I vainly tried to convince my parents to drive to Akron to watch him play in High School. They wouldn't agree. Too bad. That was my last chance to watch him when he was still likable. LeBron is great, probably the best player in the league this season (sorry Kobe and CP3), but focus is not on the player but rather his place in history and his future destinations. Superstars, bringing in bucket upon bucket of grubby money, deserve the acclaim but the don't force feed me the greatness. The NBA is ran by smart people, very very very smart people, but they may be too smart. Aware of a player's potential place in history, they heap them into historical contexts and ride their coat tails to the bring the league into prominence. 

This furthers the great narrative of the league but it is has made the biggest names unlikable or at the very least uninteresting. 

The 5 biggest stars (not best players) are as follows. 

LeBron James

Kobe Bryant

Yao Ming

Tim Duncan

Paul Pierce 

Too bad they've been ruined. Constant coverage and unnatural connotations have made it impossible to think about them without the following thoughts. 

LeBron James- "WHERE WILL HE GO IN 2010? (the most annoying story I've ever encountered about any one or thing), how does he play with new teammates?, how can Cleveland please him?" Ugh. LeBron makes it impossible to savor the moment. 

Kobe Bryant- Is he as good as Jordan? Is his redemption complete? Kobe makes me question if anything about him is legit. 

Yao Ming- CHINA CHINA CHINA CHINA CHINA CHINA GLOBALIZATION GLOBALIZATION. He makes it feel like a business meeting. 

Tim Duncan- We are tired of him winning because every one is tired of seeing the Spurs win. Maybe if they wore colors. In truth, this is a pretty cool Spurs team. Tim carrying an injured squad gives one of our greatest a new challenge, Tony and Manu have their first taste of adversity and Roger Mason is one of the all-out ballsiest players in the league and makes me remember when he was projected as a lottery pick waaaaaaaaay back when. Though they may be cool it's like going into your garage to see your Grandfather welding after 10 years of watching him whittle. Though cool, because it's him, you brand it as uncool. 

Paul Pierce- Boston's legacy is insufferable and I live on the West Coast, thousands of miles away. Good thing no cares about their city outside of Sports and Accents. If they tried to rub shoulders with New York and Chicago we'd become the new French. 

A player must be tarnished, untapped, or an underdog to gain my approval. 

Here is hope: 

Chris Paul 

Dwight Howard

Devin Harris 

Dywwayane Wade (Thank God no one cares anymore cause his game is beautiful) 

Amare Stoudamie (Everybody loves a malcontent) 

Since We Last Spoke Pt. 8,734

I don't buy Cleveland as a legitimate championship contender yet. Yes, LeBron looks by far and away the best player in the league this year, but there's no way you can say that the Cavs are the NBA's best team.

As much as I dislike Boston (trust me, I do), I find the idea that the Cavaliers have eclipsed the Celtics to be laughable. First off, as of today Boston owns the better record, so if you're going by pure season statistics Cleveland is a game worse than them. Secondly, we have not seen this version of the Cavs in the playoffs. I know that's sort of a bullshit point, as they have yet to have the chance to appear in the playoffs; but I feel it's valid in this case. This Cleveland team is fucking brand new. They've only played 18 games or something. There's a lot of time for them to gel and a lot of time for them to fall apart. Boston lost James Posey, but it doesn't look like that fact has even registered with the team. Plus as I wrote the other week, Pierce looks terrifying in the second half of games. Plus, remember that the rest of the team isn't all that bad themselves in the second half.

Plus, if they were to theoretically win the east they would still have to beat whoever wins the west. After a slow start the western conference seems as if it's starting to shape up. The Lakers, Denver, and Utah (with a healthy Williams) look to be extremely legit. Portland is young but good. This teams still a preview, but one that'll make the playoffs. San Antonio is--well, San Antonio. You can't count them out. Ever. That's five solid teams, not taking into account three teams that should be good but look unimpressive so far: Phoenix (c'mon Joel, this is not that Suns teams), Dallas (so meh-worthy, its ridiculous) and Houston (I don't want to give up on them, yet). Yeah whoever wins the west will most likely be beaten up, but they'll be a better fucking team than Cleveland.

Oh, and one last thing...its fucking December.

P.S. In case anyone was wondering Joel is so distraught about the Lions that he's given up on sports. Their season will be over soon though, so I expect him back then at the latest.

One Fragment and One Sentence About Every NBA Team

Atlanta Hawks: Surprised the world by not sucking. I underestimate everyone on their roster as they stem from Georgia. 

Boston Celtics: Exceptional but ultimately obsolete. KG and Pierce chill in All-Star Stratosphere but even with their rings no one can tell  me they are better players than 'Nique or Bernard King. 

Charlotte Bobcats: Larry Brown and youth. I hope this team becomes good despite the boondoggle, lifting Wallace and Okafor to the heavens. 

Fuck this... It's useless and meaningless. 

Not Basketball But Awesome Nonetheless

Forget Dedication 3, the Drought 6 is where it's at. Best album art of the year? I think so!

Also please don't sleep on the new Clipse mixtape. Yeah it's Complex that's helping present the thing, but it's good. At least based on one listen. Find it here.